I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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