I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
