Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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