I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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