I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I am midnight drunk by noon
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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