I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I have post one night stand depression
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