just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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