I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
