I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize