Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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