When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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