She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
