wake up i wanna do it froggy style
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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