please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
