I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
