I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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