I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
