I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
