no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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