Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
