Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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