Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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