fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
