i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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