Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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