How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
