His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
