I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So much rum. So many feels.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
