I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
