mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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