Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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