if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
