I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
