i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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