I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
