just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
