I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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