You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I need to stop coming to work sober
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
