I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
