i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
