Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
