I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize