Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize