Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
