I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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