Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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