Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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