I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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