So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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