Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it was like eating out sand paper
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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