I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
