I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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