life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
