So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
