Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
