dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
