i just wanna soil my oats bro
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
