Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
