dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
