You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize