I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
