Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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