i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
