You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
This house was built for laser tag.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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